January 1, 2022

Really not sure of where to start or how to begin.

It’s taken a tad longer than expected to finally write something on this blog. You see, It’s not that I don’t want to write but rather, I am not wanting to write something that doesn’t truly represent my son Justice Strong.

Saying this year has been a rough year would be an understatement. I’ve never felt the ground tremor beneath my feet like this before. 2021 – The year of learning what truly matters in life.

Let’s start here – – > I think it’s important that I clearly state what has happened. About 6 months ago, I lost my second son – Justice Strong Duhaylonsod. I will never be the same. I will never look at life the same. I will never take for granted my God, Wife, Family, Friends, and Life.

If you’re a man (and married) you can probably understand my thoughts, but I didn’t just loose my son but I also lost my wife. Watching Sam give birth to our dead son left me feeling emasculated and helpless. I was raised to be a man. To live with honor. To put my family first. To shield any and all harm that comes my families way. Nothing was more true to my (then) responsibilities towards my marriage. I lived to protect my wife. What happens when you can’t do just that? You see, the heat of the moment leaves you to only push through. You can only last minute-to-minute, Thinking further than that seems too overwhelming. The truth is, there was nothing I could do to help. As much as I wanted to control everything, I found myself on the exact opposite side of control. Honestly though, are we ever in control? Illusion. It was in the midst of all the chaos.. A moment.. Where I stared at Sam and never felt more in love. The worst circumstance accentuated what truly mattered. God blessed with me with the most amazing partner in life, I am grateful.

When Justice Strong came out he was perfect. Not a scratch. Not a struggle. Long fingers. Impeccable chin. He would have been tall. The moment I held him I dropped to my knees and gave Him back to the Lord. A prayer… “Lord welcome my son. Make sure he knows how much he is missed and loved. Tell him we can’t wait to see him again”. These words drove my inner most sadness up to heaven. I believe God heard my prayer.

During the labor, I promised Sam I we would go far far far away from where we were. Honestly if there was a trip to Mars, I would have signed up. A few weeks later we settled for the East coast. If i’m being completely real, The east coast felt like the furthest away I could run but still be on American Soil. Ill save the trip details for a later time but for me this was time to rebuild my marriage and lift my wife up. Loosing Sam was hard. Not seeing her smile was so hard to feel. We have always been able to laugh. A joke. A thought. Knowing that I could make her laugh was something that I took for granted. Grief has a funny way of dulling anything remotely joyful. Our trip brought back a smile. It also brought us back to where we needed to be, on our knees – Trusting in God. Most Christian’s are quick to throw the “I trust in God” card. I’ve found grief attempted to not just rip that card but remove God altogether. Our trip allowed us the space to seeing our God in a way that I have never seen, Vast. His presence to comfort while occupying everything is one that I feel makes all the difference. In short, He has never left our side.

Justice Strong’s ashes were spread at Middles beach. It was one of the nicest days ever. I love knowing that my son is just a duck-dive away. I know my ashes will join his one day. Surfing allows me to just be at peace. There is some form of comfort knowing he is always in a state of peace. We were joined by family and friends. We kept it small. Honestly what an honor it was celebrating Justice Strong with them. I wouldn’t have changed a thing. Did you know that it’s hard to see tears while swimming? How healing it was splashing away with Judah Stone. Like my dad always says “The ocean is medicine”.

Change. A prayer defined. A lot has happened.

For the last 4 years I worked at an amazing Church. Inspire Church. Amazing pastors and colleges that I have grown to call a second family. And in those four years I’ve been privileged to be able to walk people through many things. I’ve felt that I have always had the empathy and understanding in being able to do that. It wasn’t until our recent loss that I’ve truly learned what grief fells like. The utter loneliness of feeling helpless, voiceless, and small. The world moves forward while your just… there… fending-off what feels like complete failure. How can God do this? Why has he allowed this to happen? All questions that I’ve had to wrestle through. Yes.. Wrestle. For a while I was mad. Mad at God. If I’m being honest, the sheer energy it took to open my bible led to more frustration. It wasn’t until I was reminded of the story of Jacob in the Bible, Wrestling with God. You see , God never promises an easy and painless life but rather that He will never leave your side (especially when things get hard). The actual act of wrestling means you need to get in close, physical, and move in action. Figuratively – I brought my frustrations and anger to Him and demanded an answer. I wish could give you some sort of grand answer but for me it was simple. It wasn’t a clear voice or even a steadfast phrase but rather a loving direction. I felt God’s warmth like I have never felt before and he had one message, I love you. That’s all. It’s really all I needed to hear. Why do bad things happen to good people? I believe there is both good and bad that will happen, what truly matters is know who is good and who is bad. The God that I know is all things good. I really do not know why this has happened, all I know is… My God is good and that He is working. If you are going through pain, remember that. He is working.

I decided to leave Inspire Church. It was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. I prayed. I asked. To be frank, I felt that I was being called to help others in a different capacity. Not that anything was bad before (It was honestly quite good) but it was more that I felt God had imparted the next chapter of His will in my life. He is working. I know that this season is one where I am suppose to help others achieve what He has set forth in their lives. I pray that He continue to work through me in helping others, At it’s core, I think that’s what “Justice Strong” represents. I refuse to let my son’s name patter away as a rough memory but rather choose to let his influence impact my relentless passion overflow into helping others become who they are suppose to be. God’s best.

If you’ve made it reading this far. Thanks. I know this is a dimmed attempt to getting my thoughts on paper, but in all seriousness Thank you. This last six months has shown so many amazing, kind, and genuine people. Meals, Prayers, donations, time, and soooo much more. A simple thank you doesn’t do it justice but there is no way we (I) could have gotten through this season without your love.

A few last thoughts. If you are in pain? Know that He listens. If you are experiencing grief? Know that there is light. If you are feeling lonely? Open your eyes, for He will NEVER shut the door. I know that God is still working on my heart and I pray daily that He continue to breath life through this situation. He lives. He loves.

Moving forward is never forgetting. Justice Strong – Son number two. Some spend a lifetime striving to making a change, You my boy didn’t need much time doing that in my life. If you need a listening ear? I’m here. Join me by ringing in 2022 with hope. Hope not for quick trials and less pain but Hope for a life that is used for His glory. I pray that you can think of my Justice Strong in a way that allows you to overcome!

• A father’s jumbled thoughts.