The real pain of grief hits with the reality of a life without him. For so long it’s felt like a nightmare, my body physically and emotionally ached. Days and weeks I cried out to God. Unable to possibly see how I could live with this pain. How could I have any love or strength or faith in me to continue living. It just hurts so much. Believe me, this type of pain, I questioned the goodness of God. How, why, and all the ways this could have been prevented. Angry and frustrated, I thought Justice was our promise and God’s faithfulness. So broken, yet never felt more I was created to need a Savior.

I walk through this, knowing Jesus knows my pain and didn’t promise us a life without pain, suffering, or injustices. He promised He has overcome this broken world and created our home in heaven. If I still don’t believe in this good news, I will never see my son again, I will never hold him, or be able to live a life with purpose or hope.

It’s been a quiet journey of re-learning who God is and re-building a theology in suffering. I am still very much learning how to allow God to heal us. It’s a battle to trust in His goodness despite our circumstances. It’s a practice of finding perspective in a place of loss and seeing the blessings we do have. I don’t know how or when God will turn our pain into purpose, I didn’t even want to hear that in the beginning. But, I want to start opening my heart towards it. I want hope back in our life. I want to share in the midst of pain and brokenness, God is with us, holding every tear, and loves us so much. And it’s ok to not be ok all the time. That there are better days and hard days. I also want to recognize our loss and share Justice Strong because he is our child and a part of our lives. And I want to acknowledge others and know no matter how much time passes, our loss still matters.